In life we find it difficult to face our truths, the reality of our lives is that we only move forward once we accept our truth. The truth is I’ve been holding myself back, yep! That’s right I’ve been in the way of my own success. I am the reason why I haven’t reached my full potential and I finally think I discovered why. Let me take you on this journey with me to share with you my life before I got here. Here meaning, ending my marriage from my high school sweetheart while lacking confidence, swimming in debt, broken and broke questioning everything. Life is interesting and it takes detours sometimes without your consent. In life there are something’s we choose for our life and then there our others we have no control over. Some may think that ones decisions is what led them to the place they are in currently in life. There is some truth to that but it’s not all truth.
In the Spring of 2004 I was sixteen years young, vibrate although I was not happy at heart I never showed that to the people around me. I had this model from a very young age that you just smile and say everything is fine even when it wasn’t. This particular spring was different for me out of no where, I started getting shortness of breath and extreme fatigue. I came home one day from school and I remember falling quickly asleep and to my surprise when I woke up later that evening I could not move. My body had completely locked up and I was only able to scream for help. My scream was so loud my neighbor heard me and came to help. I was taken to the local hospital where over the course of a few months I was there several times before they found a cause. Prior to this I considered myself healthy, I played sports and I hadn’t even remember getting a common cold. Who would have known that from Spring of 2004 to Summer of 2018 I would have had over 150 plus hospital visits, many overnight stays, 10 surgeries, minor and major, blood drawn over 300 times, 24 biopsies, I’ve been prescribed over 100 prescription drugs, I’ve had 32 CAT scans, over 100 X-rays, and between three high risk pregnancies I’ve had over 300 ultrasounds, I’ve probably driven over 100,000+ Miles in state and even some doctors visits outside of the state. I’ve been under Anesthetic over 25 times, and I’m sure you can think of someone who didn’t survive the first time under anesthesia. Not to mention gaining over 120 pounds. I’m not going to tell you the amount of money this has cost me I want you to just imagine.
As if my health challenges weren’t enough my first son was born with only 1cm of intestines and has had 8 surgeries and hundreds of blood draws and test. Between him and I we should have invested in some form of medical stock at very least, because this seemed to be where we spent most of time and money.
I’m saying this all to say that, can you believe after all of that I am still afraid of things. I still questioned my purpose, I still feared change, I still struggled with faith. I am rare there aren’t many people that wouldn’t have survived half of what I’ve experienced. Between the physical, mental, and financial strain they would have just checked out. There are many different stages that are affected during health challenges. All of which have different roles and affect you differently at different times. Instead of using these challenges to display my strength it made me feel weak, powerless and after all I still was afraid of things in life, and I let life challenges hold me back.
The challenges I was faced with caused a lot of financial strain throughout the years which caused strain on my marriage and my overall livelihood. Before the age of 21 I was already swimming in over $100,000 in debt and medical bills alone not including my student loan debt in my regular every day living debt. Yep! I still managed to attend college despite all my health challenges. While also being a wife and a mother to three amazing children, along with many other roles. But with all that going on can you imagine how hard it was for me to work. I managed to keep employment at some great companies, but I was always labeled “the person always getting sick”. This stood in the way of promotions to better positions, raises in my salary, my overall employee file was looked at different. I was always afraid of losing any job I had because without proper dieting and self care a common cold could take me weeks to recover. I always felt shameful and asked the famous question, “why me”. I would find myself in tears on my way to work because I was running late because the mornings were the hardest for me and I felt my sickest. I felt misunderstood, and felt as though people viewed me as weak. I was simply tired of that feeling and as one of my good friends would always say, “there has to be a better way”. I knew there had to be a better way for me to earn income, I desired true freedom.
So I know by now your wondering what does all this have to do with anything? You see everything you saw above and some, is what motivated me to “Invest in myself”. I decided that there had to be a better way and certain life events I didn’t want a job to control my time. I was sick and tired of pay check to pay check life, afraid to miss work because I genuinely didn’t feel well, or I needed to be there for one of my children who were sick. But I could not get over this stuck feeling in my life. I felt stuck in a rut, I felt unhappy, unloved, unwanted, undervalued, worthless and just simply undeserving of anything. I couldn’t understand why I just couldn’t stay healthy, why did I have to experience the things I did. I never used drugs I didn’t have my first alcoholic beverage until I was 26 and it was my first and last year. I was confused and life just seemed so blurry. But I did what I did as kid and just kept telling myself, “everything is fine” when it wasn’t. There was this mental block that every time I felt I was moving forward I was pushed three steps back. I couldn’t figure out why I learned all these skills and I could not consistency put them to use.
While laying in bed one night it dawned on me that I wasn’t being honest with myself. I hadn’t accepted what was, to get what was ahead. I allowed the little voices in my head to really tell me which way to go. All my life I knew I was destined for greatness, I knew I would be the one to retire my mother. I knew that I was different and I would tell people all the time, “everything happens for a reason” but I’m didn’t listen to my own advice. I did the opposite and I just found reasons of why I couldn’t do certain things. Then about a week ago I was driving in my car, in tears feeling sorry for myself, wishing I could have a redo to life. As I was driving I had to pull over because I was crying so hard I couldn’t see anything, and I saw this sign. The funny thing is it just said “power washing services provided”. I started crying even harder… I know your thinking, WHAT! I know, I know.
Let me explain, when I saw the word power the first thing that came to mind was “use your power”. To have experienced the trauma my body has gone through is powerful, not to mention my childhood wasn’t filled with roses and sunshine. I thought there is purpose in my pain. All of the events leading up to now all prepared for my current season. I read somewhere that the person that tells their story the best wins. I thought instantly about Oprah, she isn’t the only one experience a difficult life she was just really good at telling her story. I thought if everything happens for a reason, then surely my life has to mean something.
I needed to use my pain as power to share with the world that adversity makes your powerful and completely unstoppable. Life’s challenges make you stronger not weaker and whatever is on the outside has nothing to what’s on the inside and abundance was my birth right. The only person I needed to compare myself to was the person in the mirror. I had to remind myself that I was created in God’s imagine and he picked out all the details of me and my life and I had to accept them and use the power he gave me.
Without realizing I had power, I was powerless. Everything I attempt would continue to crumble because I didn’t own what I had been through and what I was truly capable of. With surgery comes pain and a recovery I survived it 10 times but I couldn’t seem to get past the pain of facing my fears and public speaking. When in reality I should be shouting to be because my life could have been taken any of those ten time of being on those cold operating tables.
I urged you use your power, use your journey to shape you to person you desire to be. Never for one second feel sorry for yourself or make excuses. Remember that we all have different journeys in life and yours is special to you.
Watch out world… she is awake, full of life, and ready to use her power to create abundance NOW…
“There is no greater journey than one that you must take to discover all mysteries that lie within you”
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